Cheesy feet and sloping ceilings

I said I love you.

See, that’s very good news. I thought I was alone in the love department.

Well, turns out you’ve got company.



We agreed to go and meet my friend. We had been friends since school when he was picked on for being the camp one. Justin met us at the coach station. He smiled and waved a little too enthusiastically. He was dressed in cargo pants and a vest top.

“Justin, this is Victoria.” She smiled and he threw his arms round her. “You know he’s only on loan to you. I am saving myself for him.”

We walked down the road, the two of them hand in hand. He was telling her stories. About his love life. About working. Walking down the road talking and waving his arms.

He loved the show.

“I have things planned for the weekend,” he said as he let us into the flat. “We are going to go to dinner tonight and then clubbing. Tomorrow we will go shopping. I know some great shops we can go to.”

I was screaming inside.

Our room was tiny. There was a double bed with a bright yellow duvet on it and a wardrobe and that was it. In fact, because my girlfriend always insisting on sleeping on the same side of the bed, she would have to climb over me if she wanted to get out as the bed was against the wall.

Enjoyable, unless it was a 2 am dodgy bladder.

When he said he had a two bedroom flat, he was overstating the case. The room he had made up for us was in the very top of the building and my six foot frame had to contend with sloping ceilings that almost went to the floor at one end. The ceiling had a window with no blinds either.

“Great. Now the whole world can see my bits when I get into bed.”

“But they are nice bits. And they are quite far away. They may not be able to make them out properly. They would need to squint.”

“You’re funny.”

She disappeared into the ensuite shower and was out in a moment with her head wrapped in a huge white towel.

“I’ll be ready in half an hour.”

And she was. Downstairs, Justin was waiting, dressed in camouflage trousers and a white shirt. Do you know, Justin shattered all my illusions about gay men. The two things I had always thought was all gay people had an eye for fashion and a great sense of rhythm. Looking at him here, looking like action man from a charity shop, twerking, I realised both these to be wildly wrong.

He smiled at her. “You look beautiful.” It never took her hours to look good. She was dressed in a pair of black trousers and a pretty lace top with a high neckline and no back showing off her tattoo. “Almost beautiful enough to make me straight.”

We went to the restaurant he had picked. Annoyingly, he flirted with the some dumbass waiter who responded by giggling a lot and spending too long taking our order.

The two of them got on really well. When she went to the toilet, he was serious.

“I really like her.”

“Me too.”

After the meal, we went to a club round the corner. The two of them disappeared to dance. It was about an hour before they came back. I was still sat at the bar.

“Good time?”

“Fantastic. What about you?”

“The best. I have been approached by a man who wanted to pay to sniff my socks and someone else who offered me ‘fun’ in the toilets.”

“Wow. You have been busy.”

We stayed until around three o’clock. They sang as we walked down to the taxi rank. Something else he did badly. My daddy Warbucks girlfriend gave the taxi driver almost double the fare and told him to keep the change.

“He looked pleased.”

“I’m not surprised. Why did you give him so much?”

“He had a kind face. He looked a bit like the man out of ‘Driving Miss Daisy.’”

“With that tip he could have bought a new car for Miss Daisy.”

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