Handle everything like a pet. If you can’t eat or play with it, wee on it and walk away

And then, last night, an idea hit me

Left a bruise, I hope




Her obsession we always had to be doing something at weekends. It was like a compulsion. Every weekend, somewhere different. Meeting new people, being the centre of attention somewhere else.

New shops.

I always agreed.

“Before we go anywhere we really ought to take Smurf to the vets.”


“He needs his claws clipped. I’ll take him first thing in the morning.” Smurf’s claws resembled Freddie Krueger.

I was round early the next morning and lured him into the cage with a piece of cauliflower. Things were going well as he sat quietly in the car all the way to the vets. In the waiting room, Smurf was bigger than the two cats in there, one of which gave him evils from afar. Smurf turned his back. A Spaniel puppy came over, wagging his tail and tried to put his nose into the cage. Smurf ran round in circles and the dog jumped back.

The vet called us through. He was old, with a stoop and a shiny, bald head and there was a nurse who looked like she was on day release from Junior School.

“So what can we do for this chap today?” He opened the cage without prompt, the rabbit bolted and it was all I could do to stop Smurf hurling himself off the table.

“He needs his claws clipped.”

“OK, well let’s have a look at the little fella.”

He reached forward with the clippers and did the first claw. He must have hurt the poor thing as he launched himself at me, hitting my shoulder and landed on the floor.

The following sight looked straight out a Benny Hill sketch. The vet chasing the rabbit round the floor and under the table, bashing his head on it in the process, whilst the nurse trying to shepherd him away from the door. My shoulder hurt too much for me to help.

Eventually, with the vets arm bandaged from the scratches and the nurses’ glasses at a jaunty angle from the exertion, the rabbit was back on the table, breathing heavily, but still.

When I got home and told my caring girlfriend, she unhelpfully laughed, but then was a little surprised to see a huge bruise come out at the top of my arm.

Smurf sat in his cage and stared at the wall. He didn’t even eat any vegetables; he was in that much of a bad mood.


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