Santa’s jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live

Me, Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the mutants over at Table 9, will never ever find a way to better the situation, because apparently we have nothing to offer the opposite sex.

The Wedding Singer






Tonight was my chance to see how she was with me and if I got the ‘vibe’. Not that I would know what the vibe was and even if I did, I was too scared to do anything about it.

I watched her a while. She kept looking over and making faces at me.

I was pretty sure that wasn’t the vibe.

I went and sat making small talk with people. Then a slow song came on.

“Excuse me, Mr Bond.” Victoria leant forward and I could feel her breath on me.

“Yes Moneypenny.” What a dumb arse reply.

“Would you like to use your two left feet to break some of my toes to a slow song?”

“I would love to.”

She reached out and took my hand. Her friend stood next to Adam and they watched from the edge of the dance floor.

Even in her heels she barely came up to my chest, but she put her head on me as I tried not to make a fool of myself.

“Watch out for the make-up on the tux. It has to go back tomorrow.”

“Make-up? I am naturally this orange.”

Adam sidled round and stood behind her. He was waving his arms, giving the thumbs up and puckering his lips. As I would find out months later, Sarah was stood behind me doing the same.

She pulled away slightly and looked up at me.

“You don’t dance that badly.”

“For someone with no rhythm.”

“You know I want to kiss you don’t you?” Victoria was a little drunk.

“Me too. But we can’t.”

“Why not? That’s what people do at Christmas parties. Why break with the tradition of a million illicit Christmas kisses?”

“Illicit. Not me. I can’t even spell it. You have a boyfriend anyway.”

“And you have a wife.”

“Fiancee and not for much longer.”

“Well done. So a pair of failures. Maybe a comforting kiss will help both of us.”

“I am a manager. And my boss is over there.”

“So what? Does he want to kiss me too?”

“Probably, with you looking like that. But now would not be the right time or place.”

“I’ll get my calendar. Maybe we can agree a right time and place now.”

She was so close to my mouth. Her eyes sparkled and her lip quivered. I felt sick.

Seriously, now, would not be a good time to be sick. That would be even more inappropriate than kissing her.

I bottled it. “Would you like another drink?”



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