It’s the gift, not the thought, that counts

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?

Matt Groening






“That was how it started. We talked a lot. All the time. She used to get the bus in early and we would have coffee together and chat. Not about much. But she was warm and funny.”

“Like a leaking cartoon hot water bottle?”

So much so, I even agreed to go to the pub with her the following evening after work.”

“But you’re a miserable git and never come out and the one time you do, I am not around to witness it”

“I know. I even bought her a drink.”


“She asked me why I had come out.”

“And you told her it was because she had big eyes and a cute arse?”

“No, I said it was her constant badgering and beautiful smile.”

“She said she invited me out of sympathy.”

“And there’s the truth.”

“She asked me if I was single?”

“Tough question.”

“I know. I just said there was no one at home that was too bothered and asked her about her boyfriend. All I got in reply was that he was probably off his face somewhere slumped on the sofa laughing at something not funny.”

“You two would get on well. You say lots of things that are not funny.”


“She asked about the Christmas party and what she was supposed to wear.”

“And you said.”


“You are such a bloody coward.”

“No. I meant for her to wear nothing.”

“Good work.”

“She told me that would put people off their food. And if I did that, there would be one extra chipolata on the plate.”

“Funny. Hang on a minute.”

Adam went to the loo and made me wait a couple of minutes. The Christmas party was a great source of stress for me. I had come up with the idea of ‘Secret Santa’ and all the presents would be given out on the night, not by me, but a free for all from a box.

Fate, I had decided, needed a helping hand. As I had organised everything, I got Victoria’s present to buy.

My pleasure soon turned to genitalia twisting fear as I realised I had no clue what to buy her.

Jewellery seemed inappropriate, underwear even more so.

So I finished work early and went to the shopping centre. I walked round for a while, had my Eureka moment and was very pleased with myself. I went to the toyshop and found exactly what I wanted. Victoria had blond hair and big, blue eyes. I remembered my niece loved a cartoon called the ‘Powerpuff Girls’. Genius. It was perfect. Humorous, but not insulting. I found the one I wanted with a quick search on my phone. ‘Bubbles’ was innocent but a little scatterbrained. I couldn’t have described her better myself.




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